Alden Boon

[Satire] Help! A First-world Problem: I Switched from Samsung Note 3 to iPhone 6s and Now My World is Off-kilter

26/09/2015

Like MTV, my Samsung Note 3 is refusing to play videos. And hence the biennial tradition of spending back-breaking hours standing in a snaking queue waiting for a material thing is upon me again. This time round, I got the iPhone 6s. I had initially opted for the iPhone 6s Plus but apparently it’s highly coveted and sold out almost everywhere. (So is the Rose Gold version; it’s not really pink, y’all!) That is a paradox in itself, because if this were gym class, the heavier iteration would be picked last.

It seems these days these heavyweight conglomerates are hell-bent on creating wants. But here’s my marketing suggestion to the one purveyor serious about customer loyalty and brand reputation: Forget about all the bells and whistles and stacking on unnecessary accessories. What customers really need are hand sanitisers bundled with the pristine smart devices! People will be itching to fiddle with your new spoil, and let’s just say I’ve seen my fair share of men not washing their hands after going number one to not be repulsed by that.

So how is the Samsung-Apple transition going, you ask. Not very smoothly I’d say. Here are the reasons why.

Something’s missing… and I’m stuck.

After a trauma, many amputees report experiencing the phantom-pain phenomenon: excruciating physical pain felt at the area where the now-absent limb once was. It’s a kind of pain that leaves them writhing. Arizona Robins in Grey’s Anatomy lost a leg in the aftermath of a plane crash, and as portrayed in the above clip she’s haunted by it. I’m experiencing phantom pain myself. The back button is now no more. Somehow I’m supposed to navigate the intricate YouTube milieu of immeasurable depths without it. “HOW DO I GO BACK?” I screamed out, ripping out tufts of hair. But nothing. And I’m stuck on the results page, with no way to go back.

Filter, is that you?

Sure, the iPhone 6s can capture videos in 4K resolution, which incidentally is a feature my two-year-old Note 3 already has. A documentary shot entirely with an iPhone 6s Plus has also made its way around the Internet.

But what’s the point of it all when the display resolution is a mere 750 x 1334 pixels and the ppi only 326?  It’s almost as if someone had added the sepia-tinged Earlybird-esque Instagram filter to all my Blu-ray video files.

Live Photos neglects the feelings of a key customer demographic 

One of iPhone 6s’s more-talked-about features is the Live Photos, and it seems opinions are split on this one. When the mode is activated, the camera will capture a 1.5 second of live footage before and after you take a photo. Some decry it as a marketing gimmick. But I’m simply appalled at the blatant disregard Apple has for customers like me: the uglies. As someone who has to take 100 photos to get a good one… as someone who has to arduously do the forehead-out-and-down, head-tilt, high-angled-camera routine before I can appear remotely photogenic in my photos… this is such a slap in the face.

I now have butter fingers. Size really matters. 

The first time I held an iPhone 5 in my hands, I had to ask the owner — is this an iPhone 3? It was so small: it fit snugly in my palm and I could barely read a word. My condescension was unwitting, I swear.  Now, measuring 138.3 x 67.1 x 7.1mm the iPhone 6s is bigger than its predecessor, but still small compared with its Samsung counterparts. The keys on the keyboard are squished together, and I could not form a coherent sentence without first going back 10 times to correct a mistake.

But hey, that’s not to say the iPhone 6s is a dud. The saving grace is the game-changing 3D Touch.

3D Touch is a winner, although it is not what it’s like in the movies.  

I must say I was somewhat let down when I heard the 3D Touch wasn’t going to feature some sort of holographic projection. But it certainly doesn’t take away the brilliance of it. This salient feature is one of the USPs of the phone; in fact, it forms the crux of the official iPhone 6s advertisement.

The 3D Touch recognises the pressure and tactile feedback of your finger, and when the right amount of pressure is applied it activates the Peek and Pop capability. It took me an hour to realise how it works. You see, Apple is so mired in its own hubris it doesn’t offer a technical manual, and it assumes you’d do all the research yourself!And so for a good hour I held my finger to the phone and hovered over the apps, but all it did was make them wiggle and jiggle. But I’ve since figured this rocket science out. What you want to do is to apply the right amount of pressure: 0.245N. Everything else is just simple math.

Issac Newton says Force (N) = Mass (kg) x Acceleration (m/s²). And since I’m xx kg (yeah, nice try: like I’d reveal my weight on a public domain!), my acceleration would have to be 0.0016333333333333m/s² in order for me to get 0.245N.

When you’re successful, you’ll get to explore the different capabilities of the app without having to launch the app. Nifty, huh?

Pressure 3D Touch2

Pressure 3D Touch

With this 3D Touch feature, you can also press and hold to rotate the different open tabs. Open the Mail or message app, apply pressure and voila: you can preview the message without even opening up the messages. Apple has made it so easy to sneak around and unearth some dirt on a hated colleague or ex-lover.

Truth be told, four hours in, even though I was sold an iPhone 6s I’m not completely sold on it. I’m already flirting with the idea of switching back to Samsung, perhaps a Note 5 or S6 Edge+. I guess I’m the victim of this serialised marketing strategy. Congrats you greedy conglomerates: you’ve succeeded!

So should I or should I not? Am I being too rash to want to go back to a Samsung handset? Sound off in the comments!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Alden Boon
Alden Boon is a Quarter-finalist in PAGE International Screenwriting Awards. When he's not busy writing, he pretends he is Gandalf.

Have Your Say