Alden Boon

[Satire] Cornell 3-in-1 Magic Fan Gives You Beyoncé Hair

26/03/2015

Cornell 3-in-1 Magic Fan (model CFC936C) promises to ‘blanket your home with multiple layers of cool comfort’ but could it also be the industry standard for achieving the elusive Beyoncé-hair experience?

Given Singapore’s balmy weather, home shopping is not complete until you’ve crossed the fan or air-conditioner off your list. The Magic Fan is powered at 90W so it does provide some relief. It also promises flexibility. For each fan, you can vacillate between the low or high speeds, which are a world of difference. There is also the on/off button for two of the fans; why the third one does not come with this function baffles me. What this means really is that mathematical geeks are going to have a lot of fun working out possible permutations.

The downside however is that the fans do not oscillate. This flaw means that users would have to relentlessly spin their body 360 degrees to keep cool. It certainly worked for me.

One unique selling point of this appliance is the fans’ multi-angle swings: you can adjust each fan left and right as well as up and down (180 degrees). Each time you turn the fan, it clicks into place. It gives you the cheap thrill of being Vanna White. “I’d like to buy a vowel.” Just pretend the fan is the illuminated puzzle board and you’re all set for some role playing on those lonely cold nights. #foreveralone

One salient feature of the fan is of course its ability to help everyday users channel their inner Sasha Fierce. When the songstress takes centre stage, she commands it. Those voluptuous contours and that long luscious weave: it’s hard to take your eyes off her. Fans of Beyoncé should definitely get this fan: it redefines the ballad-belting experience.

The fan comes in at 150cm so it does take a little adjusting to get the full wind-in-your-hair effect. You’d have to dwarf yourself or crouch —which I suppose is the standard position to take up after the song climaxes and you have (barely) managed those soprano notes.

So is it the velocity powerful enough to send your hair flying ala Beyoncé? Yes. As evident from my bottom right photo, a few strands of my hair peaked. It only took 1.5 seconds for my fringe to reach its zenith (compare with top right picture). My hair stayed that way until my mom suddenly barged into my room and saw what I was doing. She would later say she was alarmed by the sounds of ghostly shrieks emanating from my room. That remains a mystery.

Hip hop aficionados should also consider getting this one. Pop in Lil Wayne’s CD and sing into the top, middle or bottom fan, depending on your natural height. It’s automatic autotune right there. Now anyone can be a singer; there may be hope yet for those who can’t carry a tune. Truly, there is no other fan in the market that’s quite as versatile as Cornell’s 3-in-1 Magic Fan.

Four stars Out of Five

Strength:
You get to be the entire triumvirate: Vanna White, Beyoncé and Lil Wayne. This fan has certainly earned its moniker.

Con:
Doesn’t oscillate, which is the hallmark of a good fan.

Disclaimer: The reviewer has no affiliations with Cornell or Beyoncé whatsoever. He posed for these photos while hitting the high notes in ‘If I were a boy’. He has a new found respect for Beyoncé because singing with the wind blowing into your face is no mean feat: the throat gets scratchy.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Alden Boon
Alden Boon is a Quarter-finalist in PAGE International Screenwriting Awards. When he's not busy writing, he pretends he is Gandalf.

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