Alden Boon

How to Play Monopoly Without Killing Anyone


Monopoly is a classic game we all grew up with; it marks our first instances of dealing with real finances. Its impact is real — I’m pretty sure that’s how the founders of Airbnb came up with the idea of having homeowners charge others for stepping onto their properties. We rejoice at the chance to afford houses and build hotel chains — and people wonder why this current population is so materialistic and obsessed with worldly gains.

Though billed as entertainment, a game of Monopoly can quickly get contentious. It severs familial ties, and teaches the wrong lesson that money comes with the roll of a dice. If money is the root of evil, then Monopoly multiples that root and further compounds it like bank interest. It conjures up your darkest thoughts, making you want to commit crimes like murder or flipping the entire board game and cursing your loved ones. Here are some tips on how to keep your emotions in check when playing Monopoly.

Sing Madonna’s Material Girl

The Queen of Pop’s hit single unabashedly celebrates materialism, which makes it the perfect anthem to fight materialism. The first step to fighting your inner demons is to recognise there is a problem, and by shouting it out loudly that you are just a material girl living in a material world, you own your problem. Soon, you will see all the green houses and red hotels as what they are: just fleeting possessions. Really, this song opens up your mind and does wonders for finding your inner peace — Enya, who?

Practise Your “I’m So Happy for You I Could Kill You” Poker Face    


One minute you’re on top of the world, the next you’re expelled from your Boardwalk property. As your usurper gleefully seizes your rightful spot, waving the dollar notes, hurling hurtful jabs and rubbing the clattering die in your face, offer up a smile. A smile, though fake, can alleviate your anger. To put on a fake smile, simply grit your teeth and gently push your lips backwards until you feel your jaws tighten.

Be Passive Aggressive

If you do not want to suffer a fate like Jake’s, the criminal behind bars, then you will do well to be passive aggressive. It helps you to release some steam, like the steam emanating from the token iron. When handing over the deeds, say things like “I hope you’re happy living in a property that’s haunted by the ghost of whom I killed: knife-to-throat style”, or “I’m sure you’ll enjoy all of that real estate with no friends by your side.”

Always Sign Up to be the Banker

It is hard to stay angry when you are holding crisp dollar notes in your hands. And when you are a little shy to make a full payment for a railroad, you can always slip in a few hundred-dollar notes when the other players are arguing and at one another’s throats. Remember, in the game of Monopoly you go to jail for rolling dices; being at the wrong place, wrong time; and for sheer dumb luck. You don’t actually go to jail for crimes like embezzlement.


Alden Boon
Alden Boon is a Quarter-finalist in PAGE International Screenwriting Awards. When he's not busy writing, he pretends he is Gandalf.

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