Alden Boon

Life after 30: How to Attend a Concert

18/07/2017

Life after 30 does not have to end. Yes, turning 30 is the worst, but you can still do the things you did in your twenties, within reason and with some adjustments of course. In this first instalment of the “Life after 30” series, I am sharing tips on how to attend a concert as a proud 30-year-old (and counting, mercilessly).

Seating tickets only
Getting a standing ticket is a big no-no once you have crossed over to the 30s. Whom are you trying to impress, running — running! — and elbowing sweaty concert-goers ten years younger than you just to get close to the stage? Besides, too much standing is bad for you, as reported in an article by Daily Mail. Protracted hours of standing can lead to back problems and muscle fatigue. Yes, a concert only lasts for two hours, but remember, 30-year-olds are at risk for everything, so it is best not to gamble with your health — your insurance plan might not cover it.

Go incognito
Famous bands are a huge draw, and that means there is a very high probability you will bump into erstwhile friends and ex-colleagues at the arena. The very people who knew you when you were in your prime, not the you who have let yourself go and gained twenty kilograms since your last meetup. So avoid sharing your intention to attend the concert on social media: They would want to say a quick hi. On the day of the concert, wear sunglasses and wigs and sweatpants — forget replicating and dressing up in one of your idol’s iconic outfits; that ship has long sailed. One caveat: you might however get stopped by security and be refused entry.

Wear adult diapers
After turning 30, you have less control of your bladder, and that means constant trips to the loo. Having to visit the toilet is simply irksome during a concert. It is not so much about missing certain performances — it is an unwritten rule that ballads are go time for a toilet break anyway — but the fact that you would have to clamber up and descend endless flights of stairs to get to your destination. The overexertion cannot be good for your knees. Not to mention having to inconvenience your entire row of neighbours, who have to get up just so you can sidle your way out — and then again when you return. As if you do not already get judged enough simply for turning 30.

Once at the toilet, you would have to stand in line waiting for an available urinal or cubicle, all the while fighting other 30-year-olds who try to cut. So, don adult diapers as a safety precaution. Adult diapers have received a bad reputation over the years: that they are for geriatrics. If so, they would have been christened “old-people” diapers. There is no need to be embarrassed about needing adult diapers at 30.

Read also: I’m Scared to Turn 30

Leave before the encore
It is Sophie’s choice: when your favourite band comes to play in your city for a one-night-only concert, do you attend it and risk jeopardising your sleep cycle for the entire month? You would need two months to recover from all the loud music and occasional screaming and sudden spike of adrenaline. Concerts typically start at 8pm, and do not end till 10pm — two hours past bedtime — and that is if you are not catching inconsiderate artistes like Rihanna or Madonna who notoriously show up late. And when the lights go down and excitement peters out, the traffic is a nightmare. You would probably be stranded with no transport option for another two hours. So get out of the arena before everyone else: The best time to do so is right before the encore. Research the set list and pray that your favourite band is not “feeling the crowd’s love” and decides that of all the dates they play, the night that you drag yourself out of your house is the very same night they add three encores to what is already a very long set list.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Alden Boon
Alden Boon is a Quarter-finalist in PAGE International Screenwriting Awards. When he's not busy writing, he pretends he is Gandalf.

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