Alden Boon

How to be Sexy. Literally.

27/11/2015

With societal pressures weighing heavy on us, many of us yearn to be sexy, to be head turners or to look like a million bucks. We want to be perfect. But at what cost? Do we have to undergo painful and costly surgeries to look good? Not anymore. We present to you four simple tips and teach you how to be sexy at zero cost.

How to be Sexy

Everything you need to know is in that first kiss. 

Everything. From unimportant trivia to your life’s biggest questions, like whether you should grow a beard or switch to a bob hairstyle. Which is why having plump lips is so important. Have you ever locked lips with someone, and you feel you’re just ramming yourself into their teeth? Lips cushion that blow, and they provide you with something to bite — which I understand is foreplay.

But not everyone is blessed with plump lips. So, induce an allergy and get swollen lips. It will take a bit of time, a bit of trial testing before you find out what makes your lips swell, but the stares you’ll eventually get from strangers are well worth the effort.

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A sense of humour 

According to a TIME article, research has shown that women like men who can make them laugh; and men like women who laugh at their jokes. It’s a paradox: A sense of humour raises sexiness quotients; but sexy people are not dorks. Sexy people have a je ne sais quoi; a confident air about them. They are placed on a pedestal: they cannot lower themselves to be on par with us normal beings. At the same time, they don’t want to come off as aloof.

What to do? Simple: Laugh at everything but not really anything. As Claire Dunphy does it so well, you laugh with your mouth, not your eyes. The laugh is vacant, it’s perfunctory, only meant to make peasants feel better about themselves.

Your natural body scent     

Are you spending much dough on celebrities’ perfumes, like David Beckham or Britney Spears’s? That’s a mistake. There’s only one of you in this world, so why would you want to expend so much effort into becoming someone else?

Besides, you already have it in you to be sexy. Pheromones are chemicals — that you secrete or excrete — that can attract other individuals. There has been research that androstenol, a chemical component present in fresh sweat, can heighten sexual arousal. The operative word here is fresh. Not stale sweat, because we all know that just smells like ammonia. And if you find someone attracted to that pungent smell, run.

And after that run, take your sweat-drenched shirt, wring it out, and store the jar of sweats in the fridge. Again, freshness is absolutely the key here. Before going out on a date, dab droplets of sweat behind your earlobes and on your wrist.

Maintain an air of mysteriousness

Human beings go for things they can’t have or don’t quite understand. If you wear your heart on your sleeves, then you lose your power. They say that the eyes are the windows to someone’s soul. I was born with a pair of small eyes, so those windows are always shut. I’m a closed book. That makes me enigmatic. And people are interested in what I do not say. Which explains why I’m uniquely qualified to write this guide.

But all you wide- or doe-eyed people, don’t worry. There’s an easy fix. Just squint your eyes perpetually. Just imagine someone had just rudely yanked open the curtains and you’re blinded by the sun’s glare.

So, now you know. Go out and be sexy!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Alden Boon
Alden Boon is a Quarter-finalist in PAGE International Screenwriting Awards. When he's not busy writing, he pretends he is Gandalf.

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