Alden Boon

How to be an Olympian. Literally.

13/08/2016

Joseph Isaac Schooling. What a triumphant feat that marks a watershed moment in Singapore’s sports annals. His indelible accomplishment comes hot on the heels of my personal milestones of getting out of bed on a Saturday and a night of clocking two kilometres walking on foot — mostly in circles — in two hours in a bid to catch Snorlax (and I did). Leave it to a prodigious, fresh-faced Olympian to make you feel insignificant and inadequate and a waste of space on this good earth.

So I got to thinking: Is it too late for me to be an Olympian? Yes, yes it is. So as I place my hopes on my future offspring, here is a guide for you if you wish to become an Olympian.

Know your weaknesses

After your decision to emerge as an Olympian comes the need to select your sport. A lesser-known fact is that Olympians don’t exactly follow their passion; instead they pander to their vices. So if you are a sex addict privy to esoteric tantric sex, you are born to be a gymnast. If you have road rage, then wrestling, boxing and shot put are your best bets. If you believe in the Second Amendment and your right to bear arms and that gun control is the bane of society, then archery is the obvious choice because you should not be trusted with rifles.

Diet? What diet?

Twenty-two-time gold medallist Michael Phelps revealed in 2008 that he kept to a 12,000-calorie diet. Yes, expunge all that hogwash about eating six small meals a day. It’s what I have been advocating — and practising — all these years: you need to eat six big meals a day. Eat breakfast, second breakfast, elevenses, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner and supper like a king — no, like a hobbit. Swap that insipid steamed chicken breast for a nice baked chicken parmesan with the crispy skin on top. Napoleon once said, “An army marches on its stomach.” So down those Neapolitan pizzas by the slices, you champion. And if your Olympic dream does not work out, you will always have a safety net to become an overweight, I mean competitive, eater.

Get the supermodel look

Olympians are notoriously good-looking; they have to be. Standing on that pedestal, with the whole world’s eyes on you… you are the face of your country. Just ask Pita Taufatofua, who supposedly already won the internet — a much more prestigious win than earning an Olympic medal, mind you — when he competed with other good-looking fellas at the Opening Ceremony. If you are ugly, then the whole world will have the wrong impression of your country’s standards. Tourism will dip as a result. Also, every grunt and every grimace that you register while competing is broadcast in 4K. You will need to be as stunning as Beyoncé to possibly end up looking like Gollum — that is, remotely human-like — as you lift those 100kg barbells. Schedule an appointment with a world-class plastic surgeon pronto.

A strong self-awareness begins with doing personality quizzes 

Olympians’ ooh-la-la, too-sexy and too-perfect bodies are eclipsed only by a sharp, agile mind. They stay focussed and they know their goals. So, start doing Buzzfeed’s quizzes to fortify your own mind, and figure out which Will Smith movie character you are to gain a competitive edge in life.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Alden Boon
Alden Boon is a Quarter-finalist in PAGE International Screenwriting Awards. When he's not busy writing, he pretends he is Gandalf.

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