Horror films the cautionary tales of life’s cruelties
The world is a scary place, not an oyster as seafood aficionados would have you believe. Scary moments are teachable moments, and they remain with your child for a lifetime — I personally have ophidiophobia no thanks to watching Jafar’s transmutation in the third act of Aladdin, and now you will never find hear me complain about a snake bite because I avoid snakes like the plague.
Scar your impressionable children to keep them safe and teach them values. Largely underrated as effective parenting tools, scary films impart important life lessons. One unsupervised sitting of The Ring and your child will never plead with you for more TV time ever again. Saw will make your children appreciate this gift called life, and all the things they already have. Spoilt children be gone.
Guide them on the path of fame
Macaulay Culkin. Lindsay Lohan. Miley Cyrus. What do these celebrities have in common? They were all famous and exemplary goody two-shoes during their formative years. Obviously early fame is good for the kids, as they quickly learn responsibility and the need to earn their own keep. The beauty of it all is that even when your child is working eighteen-hour days on set, social services cannot slap you with a child-labour charge: Fame makes one above the law. With the advent of social media, fame is now within your grasp. Film your child’s every move, keep an online diary of his comings and goings and struggles and complaints.
Divine intervention cannot hurt
Each child is unique, just like everyone else. But how do you tailor your parenting style to one that resonates with his or her personality? Easy, just look to the horoscope signs. Children have a penchant for blaming all their failures and missed-out experiences on their parents. You had better dress your toddler up for success if the forecast says he is going to encounter romance on the eleventh. Or warn him of serpents trying to manipulate him at his day care centre.