Alden Boon

How to be a Guinness World Record Holder. Literally.

27/08/2016

Everyone wants fame and to leave a legacy. Thanks to the good folks at Guinness World Record, all of us have a shot at being immortalised other than our fleeting obituaries. You will need the following tips to become a celebrated champion.

Go where no one has gone before

Unlike Pokémon trainers or Olympians, it is not about being the best. It’s simply about being the first. I mean, to usurp the oldest person ever would require extending your lifespan to 122 years and 165 days. Why would you want to prolong your life, considering the sad pathetic state the world is in? And it is not like you can hold onto the record — as a living person — for another 50 years: half the fun of being a Guinness World Holder is being able to laugh in the face of fools who think they can supplant you.

Think like a reality star

Practising day and night — smashing thorny durians with just your index finger — can take a toll. And you will need to submit video evidence of your feat. There will come a time when a dry run is actually your personal peak of one smashed durian, and despite your subsequent efforts you are not able to recreate your splendid feat. So, to avoid missing your crowning moment, have a camera crew follow you at all times.

 

Say your affirmations

The road to the Guinness World Record is paved with hardship. “Pain is temporary, pride is forever” is helpful when you’re trying to squirt lemon juice from your eyes. “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight” comes in handy if you are essaying the highest number of women a gay man has bedded.

Aim (to be) high

Athletes chug sports drinks like Gatorade and Powerade the same way zombified office-goers down coffee. These drinks help to replenish their electrolytes, which supercharge their body batteries thus enabling them to run at blazing speeds or perform superhuman feats. Guinness World Record wannabes have a liquid diet too: Guinness beer. You’d need to be drunk and high and out of it to want to attempt a world record of most number of heart-shaped soap bubbles blown through your nostrils.

Think big

The adage is true: there is unity in numbers. A solo record, though nice, is easy to break. A record involving a thousand of likeminded companions is not — other aspiring world record holders eyeing your trophy would have to worry about logistics. So rally your friends who are going through mid-life crises and lamenting their washed-up careers as well as insipid lives that amounted to nothing. Entice them with the prospect of eternal glory: being part of a group that once cracked 5,000 watermelons with their butt cheeks in one minute.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Alden Boon
Alden Boon is a Quarter-finalist in PAGE International Screenwriting Awards. When he's not busy writing, he pretends he is Gandalf.

Have Your Say