Alden Boon

How to be a Donald-Trump Supporter. Literally.


Donald Trump is President. I’ll say that again: Donald Trump is President. Let this be a lesson to all our children: Literally anyone can be President. They say if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. As we usher in the new, bleak era of doom, here are a few tips for you to channel your inner Donald-Trump supporter.

Trump is a masterful tweeter. Favouritise, retweet and reply each and every tweet of his, and hashtag Team Trump like a rabid Kardashian fan obsessed with pop culture. It may be inappropriate to treat a President the same way you would a reality TV star — oh wait.

Whenever someone disagrees with you — tomatoes are not fruits; white-gold vs blue-black dress — scream “FAKE NEWS!” and then go on a Twitter rant.

Binge-watch all 14 seasons of The Apprentice starring the President. Be inspired by his rags-to-riches, reality-TV-star-to-President story.

For all his wrongdoings, blame it on everyone, everything else but the angelic Trump. That pussy-grabbing comment? How creepy is that cameraman, taping a conversation between two men in a locker room? That incestuous comment about dating Ivanka? Well the Greek gods started it!

Trump has a pompous charisma. Pepper your soliloquies and speeches with hyperbolic superlatives of supercalifragilisticexpialidocious bombast. That way you can make a point without actually making one. “I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created.”  “I would bring back waterboarding and I’d bring back a hell of a lot worse than waterboarding.

The high road? Don’t take it, not unless it leads to a roomful of prostitutes with a proclivity for the kinky. Keep a Burn Book: a who’s who of the people who have lambasted you for trivial transgressions such as mocking someone with disabilities. Jealous with a capital J.

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Alden Boon
Alden Boon is a Quarter-finalist in PAGE International Screenwriting Awards. When he's not busy writing, he pretends he is Gandalf.

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