Eat 10,000 Calories and Gain Weight
The world is heaving with 7 billion people. Everybody is telling you that you need to stand out from the crowd in order to succeed. How exactly are you supposed to do that? Heels are not a permanent solution, and quite honestly they are the bringers of pain.
An easy way would be to put on weight. Gain 20kg, 30 or even 40! People always say, “You cannot ignore the elephant in the room.” Become the elephant. Become unignorable.
Carry a Gym Bag Wherever You Go
High flyers groom and take care of their bodies. Their Instagram feeds are replete with photos of them in impossible, back-breaking Eka Hasta Vrksasana poses. But who has the time and discipline to hit the gym, really? 8pm and it’s me in my bed, with mah Doritos, thank you very much.
Because you would be 40kg heavier, you’d lose all will to engage in any form of exercising. The only weightlifting exercise you’d do is lifting the remote control. However, you can still set up the illusion that you have a life after work or outside of your usual clique. Never leave the office without your gym bag (packed with shoes and sports attire, of course, in case ’em lesser beings want to probe) and go completely off the radar during lunch hours.
Memorise an Esoteric Topic and Work it into Every Conversation
Successful people are well travelled, and their knowledge seemingly knows no boundary. Be smart like them. Head over to
the library Wikipedia and get up to speed on topics like Darwinism. Then, flaunt your new-found knowledge any chance you get.
“Yes, Darwin’s theory on natural selection might have garnered its fair share of detractors, but in many ways it applies to the workplace. Look at you, ensconced in that high-powered chair on the other side of the table. Now look at me. What makes me more qualified than the next person who comes in here? Nothing. Well, not nothing: genetic markers. I’m genetically chosen to be more successful. And that is why you should hire me.” — you at your next job interview.