Alden Boon

How to Appear Successful. Literally.

17/02/2016

Are you envious of others’ success, and wondering why you’re always stuck in the doldrums of life? Well quit your fretting and start faking it until you make it. Successful people aren’t necessarily worker bees born with immense talent. They simply know how to carry themselves, well. You too can do it.

Douse Yourself in 100ml of Perfume Each Time You Step Out 

Successful people don’t receive greetings of frivolity like “Hello.” “Your reputation precedes you” is what they hear. Indeed, they need no introduction. You need to get to the point where people know you’re in the room  even before you know you’re going to be in that room. Make your scent felt by every olfactory sense. Make your presence linger long after you’re gone.

Remember, just 100ml. You don’t want to overdo it.

Add “The” to Your Name

“Yes, I know, my reputation precedes me. I’m THE(E) Alden.” See how that magically and immediately elevates your status?

Eat 10,000 Calories and Gain Weight

The world is heaving with 7 billion people. Everybody is telling you that you need to stand out from the crowd in order to succeed. How exactly are you supposed to do that? Heels are not a permanent solution, and quite honestly they are the bringers of pain.

An easy way would be to put on weight. Gain 20kg, 30 or even 40! People always say, “You cannot ignore the elephant in the room.” Become the elephant. Become unignorable.

Carry a Gym Bag Wherever You Go

High flyers groom and take care of their bodies. Their Instagram feeds are replete with photos of them in impossible, back-breaking Eka Hasta Vrksasana poses. But who has the time and discipline to hit the gym, really? 8pm and it’s me in my bed, with mah Doritos, thank you very much.

Because you would be 40kg heavier, you’d lose all will to engage in any form of exercising. The only weightlifting exercise you’d do is lifting the remote control. However, you can still set up the illusion that you have a life after work or outside of your usual clique. Never leave the office without your gym bag (packed with shoes and sports attire, of course, in case ’em lesser beings want to probe) and go completely off the radar during lunch hours.

Memorise an Esoteric Topic and Work it into Every Conversation 

Successful people are well travelled, and their knowledge seemingly knows no boundary.  Be smart like them. Head over to the library Wikipedia and get up to speed on topics like Darwinism. Then, flaunt your new-found knowledge any chance you get.

“Yes, Darwin’s theory on natural selection might have garnered its fair share of detractors, but in many ways it applies to the workplace. Look at you, ensconced in that high-powered chair on the other side of the table. Now look at me. What makes me more qualified than the next person who comes in here? Nothing. Well, not nothing: genetic markers. I’m genetically chosen to be more successful. And that is why you should hire me.” — you at your next job interview.

 Turn Every Statement into a Question

Because they exist on a higher plane, successful people are enlightened and always on a spiritual path to betterment.

“What are we having for lunch?”

“The real question is: What is lunch? Is it the intricacy and hodgepodge of colourful organisms, senselessly offed by creatures of hubris, before their decided time of breaking? Or is it an useless manifestation of a relentless effort to fill the physical void, a mere means to an end, for end cannot be eschewed and must come to all of us?”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Alden Boon
Alden Boon is a Quarter-finalist in PAGE International Screenwriting Awards. When he's not busy writing, he pretends he is Gandalf.

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