Alden Boon

Christmas Gifts and Their Underlying Meanings

26/12/2015

It’s Boxing Day, the designated day for unwrapping presents and delivering a coup de grâce in the form of a uppercut to whoever got your presents wrong. It’s the thought that counts, they say. “What were you thinking then?” Let’s crack the Christmas code and decipher the true meanings of the presents you get.

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Ferrero Rochers® chocolates
“Truth be told, you’re an afterthought. These saccharine, nut-coated, diabetes-inducing treats? I got them while on the way to the aisle. I had to take a pregnant pause and deliberate if I should even get you this gift. Let’s just say conscience and social decorum got the better of me… this time.”

Apparels
“You need to lose weight. I don’t know what size you are, but know this: if it’s one size too big, you’ve packed on the pounds over the past year. Don’t be too gleeful if the clothes are one size too small: I bought them as motivational clothes, intended to be hung on a rack like a pig’s head on a spike and as a reminder for you to get off your lazy derriere and exercise.

Raisin and Oat Cookies
“That’s for telling me you ‘want nothing this Christmas, only world peace’ — essentially causing me weeks of untold jittery agony.

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Photo Credit: P!nk BravadoUSA Shop

 Merchandise of Your Favourite Movie, Pop Star or Cartoon
“Your relentless and senseless idolatry is suffocating. Yes, I’ve already watched that 129th video you shared of your idol, and I still don’t get the hype. Run along now, here’s something for you to play with, and I hope to God that would keep your vacuous mind busy till the New Year. Oh, and grow up.”

Football Club Merchandise
“Yeah, keep on dreamin’. You will never be half as skilled as the players in [your favourite team]. Or half as hot.”

Vouchers for Book Stores
“Reading is nourishment for the mind. Also, they mail these things to me because I pay two bucks a month to be a member, and I really don’t want these vouchers to go to waste… Have you seen my pristine Kindle??!!”

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Photo credit: Fragrantica

Perfume or Cologne
“Yes, I know you’re very fond of that acidic, jackfruit-infused scent, seeing how you literally douse yourself with the pungent liquid every day. But if you insist on invading my personal space, then I insist that you be a doll and wear my favourite David-Beckham scent.”

Luggage Tag
“Reading your social media posts is akin to watching paint dry. I hope this luggage tag will imbue you with a sense of wanderlust. Go, get a life! The world is your oyster!”

Cooking or Baking Kit
“What’s the point of sharing pictures of your homespun dishes if you’re never gonna invite me over for a free meal?”

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Puppy
“This isn’t so much a gift as it is an intervention. You’re the only single person left in the clique; also, the other time you wore sweatpants to our party. Here, a furry companion for you. We’re really worried about you.”

Camera Tripod or a Selfie Stick
“You need photography classes. And steadier hands. Thanks for those bygone moments I will never be able to relish again. They’re all a blur.”

Wallet with Chain
“Now you will never forget your wallet again, especially when it’s time to foot the bills.”

Mug
“Well, in that photo you shared on Instagram, you know, the one of you and your family ensconced in a glass igloo, imbibing the northern lights… you included the hashtag ‘#everything’. And what do we give the guy who has ‘everything’? A personalised mug with your face on it.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Alden Boon
Alden Boon is a Quarter-finalist in PAGE International Screenwriting Awards. When he's not busy writing, he pretends he is Gandalf.

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