Eating clean is all about elimination. So, let’s purge venom: sugar. It’s easy. Ice cream? I don’t even like it, it gives me brain freeze. Soda? Please, they make me gassy, and not in the sexy way. I’ll stick with my staple of rice – oh wait, rice has sugar. Never mind, I’ll go with the cerrreea… It’s all good. An apple a day keeps the doc – Huh. Whoever came up with that hogwash?
After you’ve come to the realisation that “all you can eat” now are delicious crunchy mealworms, it’s time to decide on the culinary style. It goes without saying deep-frying or pan-searing is a boneheaded move. Boiling your food in a big pot seems to be the obvious and easy choice, but no. Would you drink the water you bathe your filthy body in? The only acceptable cooking style is none, or raw.
Pack the food in Tupperware containers, and only Tupperware containers. Cling wrap? Plastic bag? You mean the silent killer that is the bane of all marine creatures, the harbinger of death? What are you, ISIS? Get with the game.
Take a picture of the carefully-arrayed containers and share it on Facebook. Accompany it with a deeply-emotive and profoundly-philosophical quote. “Don’t bite off more than you can chew because nobody looks attractive spitting it back out.” If you’re not doing it for the likes, then why are you eating clean?
On the eve of day 1, cry yourself to sleep. You’re in for a world of hurt.
Steel yourself for the barrage of “wow, you’re so strong” compliments. There will be some banter from friends or colleagues, and they might even wave a bag of potato chips in your face, but they already have one foot in the grave so who’s laughing.
One hour before your mealtime, work your zygomaticus major muscle by forming two hooks with each index finger. Stretch your mouth sideways and force a smile. Smiling while eating will trick your mind into euphoria; in turn you think you’re having a Big Mac.
Keeping to a clean-eating routine is no walk in the park — which you will no longer be doing because you no longer possess the physical strength to do so — thanks to external triggers. When your colleagues return from a two-hour lunch and they talk to you and their breath is tinged with that smoky aroma of grilled aged wagyu and hint of fried crispy garlic… it’s hard. Yes, clean eating heightens your olfactory senses. So, it’s best to quarantine yourself and work in isolation. Fight the power and become a hermit.
Because you’re taking great care of yourself with clean eating, you’re allowed other vices. So smoke like a chimney or watch animal porn.
Cry. A lot. Not only is it cathartic, crying helps to remove unclean fluids from your body. Double win.
Stake out beside a doughnut cart and salivate at the tasty treats. You’re healthy, not dead — you are allowed to fantasize!
When your will starts to waver three hours into your clean-eating journey, post a Facebook update about how enduring and tough this journey has been. Your motivation will grow as the Likes grow. If by now you’re not doing it for the Likes, you’re doing it wrongly.